1. Confess to all your friends, associates and church leaders that you love Jesus and intend to become His slave and that you will devote your life to Him. It doesn't matter whether you believe it or not, just saying it will put you in a Christian mode.
2. Join a church, get baptized and attribute your conversion to the priest or minister. Gaze reverently into his eyes as he pontificates about the nature of God. Sighing every once and a while, or wiping a tear will guarantee their devotion. If you join a revival church, fall to the floor, shake your body, put up both hands and yell: JAYsus-ah! NEVER bring up the topic of sexual molestation to your priest, no matter how many boys or girls he may have poked.
3. Every Sunday, make sure you put a large sum of MONEY into the church's MONEY basket. Make sure that everyone in the congregation sees you giving MONEY.
4. When talking with your priest and religious friends, occasionally confuse something that they said with something that Jesus said. This will impress them and they will think more highly of you.
5. Read the Bible, but ignore the atrocities and concentrate only on what seems "good" to you. For instance, discard the parts where God kills firstborns, pregnant women, etc., and only keep verses such as "God is love." Its like taking a sugar coated bitter pill, but it will appear good and that's what counts here.
6. Learn a few basic Hebrew words and whenever you're in a religious discussion, mention them in the context of their original meaning and comparing them to the English version. This will impress others of your Biblical knowledge, even if you don't know squat about theology.
7. Rely on faith and believe in the Bible superstitions, regardless of how silly they may seem. Yes, even the talking donkey, unicorns, and the strolling on water part. Even if you don't believe in them, just pretend that you do; no one will be able to tell the difference.
8. Abandon all reason and critical thinking. This is imperative. You cannot become a good Christian if you question the Bible with reason or skepticism.
9. Smile a lot to everyone you see. Say you love them even when you hate their guts. You must pretend, at all costs, to love your worst enemies even if it kills them in the end.
10. Attempt to convert your unbelieving friends. Make an ass out of yourself to the point of getting them angry. Make sure you always keep smiling and tell them how much you love them. This will escalate their anger and leave you fully satisfied. If they persist, claim that they are in league with the Devil and only faith in Jesus can release them (make sure you keep smiling).
11. If anyone presents reasonable arguments against Christianity, simply go into denial. Say that their tempting only makes your faith grow stronger. Never submit to them.
12. If your antagonists quote a verse from the Bible that contradicts your position, simply say that they're taking that verse out of context. The out-of-context ploy will get you out of many difficult situations and will make it seem that you actually understand the correct context when in fact you don't.
13. Pray. Make sure you pray, not just in church, but in public parks, schools, libraries, and when visiting friends and relatives. Praying out loud is a sure way to convince others of your Christianity.
14. Advertise your Christianity. Examples: wear religious symbols such as a cross; always have a Bible handy; put fish symbols on your car; put a baby Jesus on the front lawn; put a plastic Jesus in your car. Cross yourself a lot.
15. Wear conservative clothes. For the best effect: Men should wear white shirts and dark pants. Suits should be baby blue. Women should wear long dresses and veils. The hair style should be frumpish. Old ladies should dye their hair blue. NEVER attempt to look sexy. Never tattoo your body with religious symbols. Women should never expose their breasts. Men should NEVER expose their genitals.
16. Get married and raise a family. The bigger the better. If you cannot conceive, adopt. Profess family values. If you cheat on your spouse, never make it known to them. Never get a divorce, regardless of how miserable you both feel.
17. When making love to your spouse, make it known that it's for Christ (and I don't mean yelling out Jesus' name). Think of Jesus when you come. After sex, instead of a smoking a cigarette, discuss the works of the virgin Jesus.
18. If any power threatens your Christianity, make sure your political stance aims to destroy that threat (always through love, of course.) If the threat comes from a foreign country, support the military to crush the enemy (always through love, of course). If the threat comes from within your country, support legislation to change the constitution so that your Christian position will prevail.
19. If you're fortunate to achieve political power, use your religious beliefs to direct your actions. It doesn't matter how many enemies you slaughter or what freedoms are lost, as long as your justification is based on the Bible, you will become a Christian of history.
20 The most important of all: Give your possessions away (charity). The Bible says give all you have to anyone who asks (Luke 6:30). May I suggest that for practice, give me all your money. I'm officially asking that you to please give me ALL your MONEY. Warning: If you do not do this, you are disobeying a direct Jesus request. However, if you do obey this command, it will guarantee you a Christian position and you will garner my greatest esteem and respect for you.
If you follow the above examples (especially step 20), you will become an authentic Christian.
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A DAY ON THE LAKE
A teacher,a lawyer,a priest and 20 small children are out on a boat in the middle of a lake 20 miles (32 Kilometers) away from shore.
Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The teacher says "Oh,dear what are we going to do with the children?"
The lawyer replies "Fuck the children."
Then the priest gleefully requests "When can we start?".
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Q:Who picked up the tab at the last supper?
A:Christ did,he got nailed for it.
Q:How did Christ walk on water?
A:Shit floats too.
